It’s hard to believe in less than 24 hours I am going to have my lady bits lasered. What is happening? Wow – has this infertility journey taken me down some unexpected roads!
I had my pre-op appointment this morning with my Reproductive Endocrinologist for my laparoscopy to clear both of my blocked fallopian tubes. It was the typical pre-surgery appointment where the Dr. warns you of all the horrible things that can go wrong and you shake your head and sign away consent. My Dr. is pretty sure I have endometriosis based on the fact that when she does this type of procedure 90% of the time it is endometriosis. So we shall see. I’m more nervous over the outcome of the surgery (what is inside me?!) than the actual surgery itself.
I had a moment of clarity today while I was in the Dr.’s waiting room. I feel like I’m nearing the end of my trying to conceive journey. Not because I think I’m going to get this surgery and I will miraculously fall pregnant next month… Rather I think this surgery will give me the answer to the question I ask God all the time? Will I conceive and give birth to a baby of my own? There’s the possibility the surgery won’t go well tomorrow. My tubes may not be able to be cleared because the endo could be too advanced. It might not be endometriosis at all. My RE suggested the possibility of it being cancer. It could be another fallopian tube disorder altogether, and I might be put in the position where I have to lose both tubes. I don’t know what they are going to find when they cut through my abdomen tomorrow.
I will get an answer to my question and whether that answer is yes or no God will be there. I am ready to give up the reigns on this infertility journey. I feel like I’ve been fighting God for this baby for so long. Just please, God! Give me my baby! Please! Year after year, anger tears frustration. Why, God? Why haven’t I fallen pregnant? So today in the waiting room I thought Here, God. You take the reigns. You were always supposed to have them in the first place. I am finally letting go of all control and letting you guide me where I need to be.
I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel angry or frustrated. I just felt content. Sitting in that waiting room of my reproductive endocrinologist’s office – I felt something I haven’t felt in a long long time. I felt hope. Whatever happens, God is with me. I might not have a baby. If that’s the case there is a reason and I’m now open to accepting it. Finally.
If that moment of divine clarity wasn’t enough for me, as I continued to wait (and wait and wait and wait), I opened up the First 5 app on my phone and saw this.
There you have it. I am done circling the same roads. It’s time to move forward. It’s time for hope and heading North with God.