I’ve been in a fog the last couple of days. I’ve been trying to get an HSG test for months now and after lots and lots of begging my RE finally approved the procedure. For anyone not in the know an HSG or hysterosalpingogram is an x-ray performed to check if the fallopian tubes are open and to check if the inside of the uterus is normal. It’s a standard infertility test and I should have gotten it done a long long time ago, which is why it is really important for you to be your own health advocate! *breaths* But I digress… The results of my HSG – both tubes are blocked. Both of them. I don’t even know what to say. It’s a devastating blow, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it.
If it wasn’t for the fact I had taken a Valium before my HSG, I probably would have started sobbing right there on the x-ray table. Instead all I could do was laugh and think of course my tubes were blocked. Of course! Why wouldn’t they be blocked? Needless to say my RE was taken aback by the results. I’m now just waiting to schedule laparoscopic surgery to see what exactly is blocking my tubes. I think I have a couple things going on, including possible endometriosis and scarring from my miscarriage.
I truly think I have endometriosis. Although my cramping has gotten better from lifestyle choices, I still have pretty significant cramps the day leading up to my period and that first day. Enough so that I can’t manage my day without having to pop a couple of motrin. Secondly, I always have clots with my period. Third I have random cramping throughout my entire cycle, especially after ovulation. Mostly the cramping is mild, sometimes it can be intense and it seems to start the same time every month. I’ve explained these symptoms to my RE and every Gynecologist I have ever been to and always get the same response. “Oh, that’s normal.” No. It’s not normal. I should not be experiencing constant pain. Hearing multiple doctors tell me everything was “fine and normal,” led me to have some serious self doubt and I ignored my symptoms as best I could month after month.
Still the niggling feeling of something not being right wouldn’t go away. My intuition said what I continued to experience wasn’t normal, so I pushed for an HSG. My RE wasn’t on board, and you might say we had a difference of opinion. I refused the suggested treatment month after month and kept saying, “I don’t want to do anything else without an HSG.” Why didn’t I go to another RE? Well, I didn’t want to have to go through this all over again with a new doctor. The RE I’m seeing now is actually my 3rd doctor, and living in a not so big city I was running out of options fast. Plus despite our differences in treatment I think she has my best interest at heart. She wants me to get pregnant. She wants to help me. And now that I have to have surgery I’m glad she’s the one doing it. In that aspect, I trust her.
To say I am discouraged about having a baby of my own is an understatement. This new diagnosis of blocked tubes, along with hours of googling the success rate of conception with blocked tubes, has beaten me down. I feel defeated by infertility. You might say my hope meter is flashing red to let you know the tank is almost empty. Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic keeps playing in my head. I’ve worked so hard to manage my PCOS so I could have a baby. I’ve lost 175lbs. Changed my diet completely. Started exercising regularly. I got rid of all the endocrine disruptors in our house and switched to chemical free cleaners, make-up, shampoo, soap, toothpaste.. You name it. I have done everything I know to do. And it’s worked! I have a normal cycle and I ovulate monthly, which I thought was the biggest hurdle to get over with PCOS. Now this. Isn’t it ironic? I have this perfect healthy egg that no sperm can ever get to. Ahhhhh! I don’t know if I should cry or scream!
I’m not ready to give up. I have worked hard. Why would I throw it all away? Despite it all I am still in the best shape of my life physically and mentally. The battle has made me stronger. Plus if I do have endometriosis… guess what? The natural holistic treatment towards healing remains the same. Endometriosis is an estrogen dominant condition and all the rules of hormonal balance still apply. If anything I am in a much better position to battle infertility and endometriosis than I ever was.
I will take what is left in my hope tank and carry on. I will fill it back up again with God’s love and repeat His words to myself and drown out the feelings of defeat and discouragement.
As the sign beside my computer states, “with faith all things are possible.” With God all things are possible.